She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
