Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i came on her dog
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
