I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
