Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
