If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
