Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
