he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
