Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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