God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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