Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
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I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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