did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
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handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
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Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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