remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
