i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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