He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
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Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
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When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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