anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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