i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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