I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
