There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
