Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
