The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It was confusing and full of hummus
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
