don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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