last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
