I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
