I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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