remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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