either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
