i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
