From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Randomize
