I haven't been this sober since birth.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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