Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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