so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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