You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
