Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
