i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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