You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
