just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
