bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
