I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
