The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Randomize
