her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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