that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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