Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
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You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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