Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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Someone shattered a urinal.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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