I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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