Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
