i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
