I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
