Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
