Nicole vs. Life
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
