Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
