I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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