i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
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I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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