im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
