that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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