i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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